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Tuesday, 27 September 2011

 illustrations by Jack Moss

Master Of The Humourverse
David Hawkins

Prince Philip
Now not many people know,
That Prince Philip came from Goose Green,
He worked at Blundells Colliery,
Before he met the Queen.

And everybody thinks Philip
Talks real posh and swanky
But sometimes he slips up
And starts talking Lanky.

He rang me up one day,
Saying, "Hey do, this is Phil,
Does tha want come to a wedding,
Kate Middleton is marrying our Bill."

Let me know if tha coming,
And I'll pick thee up in my Rolls.
I said, "I'm sorry to disappoint thee,
But I'm gooin a playing bowls."

He said, "Hang on a minute,
I will hand thee over to Lizzie."
She said, "I'm sorry tha ceawnt come,
But it's okay if tha too busy."

"Hey is Steve Corless gooin on,
With his ukulele band?
I used to like George Formby,
I really thowt he was grand."
"Next time tha sees him David,
Ask him to play a song for me,
That used to be my favorite,
Aunty Maggie's Remedy."

Royal Visit
Prince Charles came to Wigan
Looking for a house in Scholes,
He wanted one near a bowling green,
Because Camilla Parker bowls.

When he arrived in Wigan,
They took him round the Pier,
Then into the Orwell pub,
For a pie, and a pint of beer.

After he'd eaten his meat and potato,
He went outside to his Rolls,
Then he drove to Wigan park,
For a game of crown green bowls.

When he reached the bowling green,
Prince Charles nearly had a fit,
For one of the bowlers shouted.
"Didn't tha used to work down't pit?"

It really upset Prince Charles,
So he got on his phone to his Mam,
Saying, "These Wiganers are friendly,
But they don't know who I am."

Charles said, "It's not going to beat me,
I will go back to Wigan again."
So he went to Euston Station,
And caught the Wigan train.

I met him in the Swan and Railway,
He was standing by the bar.
He said, "Well, do you recognise me?"
I said, "Yes, I know who you are."

He said, "I'm quite pleased to hear that,
Have you seen me with the Queen?"
I said, "No. Don't you remember,
We both worked for Heinz, at Kitt Green."

Hit Man
Arty was a notorious hit man
And whatever job he did,
He had special rates for pensioners,
He only charged them a quid.
Arty met one some days later,
Who was planning a dastardly deed.
He said, “I need someone murdering,”
Arty said, “I’m the fellow you need.”
The couple that he mentioned,
Used to shop every week in LIDL.
He said to Arty, “How come you’re so cheap?”
Arty replied, “I cut out the man in the middle.”
One night in the superstore,
Not far from the cakes and bread,
One of the store detectives
Found this couple dead.
Next day Arty was arrested,
Police said, “Why he did it was a riddle.”
Next day the headlines read,
Arty chokes two for a pound in LIDL.
Horse Play
Paddy had a terrible experience
While riding a horse one day,
Suddenly without warning,
It started to buck and sway.
It was throwing Paddy up and down
And swaying him from side to side,
Paddy could not control his horse,
No matter how he tried.
He was getting a little concerned
As he hung on for dear life,
Then he started panicking,
And began shouting for his wife.
When people heard him shouting
A crowd came on the scene,
Then the manager came out of Morrison’s
And switched off the machine.

Clever Dog
Every morning Aunt Martha and her neighbour
Would take their dogs for a walk
And according to her neighbour
Her dog could anything but talk.
She was always boasting about her dog,
Saying, “There’s no dog as clever as our Shep,
You should have seen him this morning,
He brought the milk in off the front step.
“When I pretend to shoot him,
He rolls over and pretends to be dead,
And when I ask him if he wants any food
He just barks and nods his head.”
Hearing all this boasting about Shep
Was doing in Aunt Martha’s head,
“The next time she starts boasting
I will get my own back,” she said.
Next day Alice said, “Shep’s been to t’ butchers,
And brought back a nice juicy bone.”
Aunt Martha said, “Yes I know already,
Our Rover told me on his mobile phone.”
A vacuum cleaner salesman was out
On a remote Yorkshire moor,
At a very old stone cottage,
Where an old lady answered the door.
“Come in,” she said to the salesman,
“We don’t get many of you round here,
As a matter of fact,” she told him,
“You’re the first one I’ve seen this year.”
When he showed her the vacuum cleaner
She said, “What is it? What does it do?”
He said, “It’s a vacuum cleaner,
I’ll demonstrate it to you.”
The old lady was fascinated
Saying, “I’ve never seen one before.”
The salesman began to demonstrate
By sprinkling some soot on the floor.
As well as sprinkling soot,
He sprinkled confetti too,
Saying, “The vacuum will pick it up,
And leave your carpet like brand new.”
He asked, “Where’s the nearest socket?
And then he became upset,
When the old lady replied, “We have none,
We haven’t got electricity yet.”

Gone with the Wind
Uncle Paul was a keen golfer,
Who used to play at Dean Wood,
His handicap was twenty six,
Which means he wasn’t too good.
Anyhow he kept on trying,
Like other golfers do.
He said, “I won’t be satisfied
Until I’ve scored a seventy two.”
The fourth hole was his downfall,
It always upset Uncle Paul,
No matter how many time’s he played it,
He could never make par at all.
Whenever he got near the green,
He always fluffed his shot,
Although it was only a par three
A six is the lowest he got.
Yes, the fourth hole at Dean Wood,
Was the bane of Uncle Paul’s life,
In fact it upset him that much
He hatched a plot with his wife.
He said, “There is a way
You can help me when I pass on,
Sprinkle my ashes on the fourth green
Then I’ll get a hole in one.”
Sadly one day Paul passed away,
And his soul was laid to rest,
She took his ashes to Dean Wood
To fulfill Paul’s last request.
But a strange thing happened
As she threw his ashes on the ground,
Suddenly a gust of wind
Blew her husband out of bounds.
Paddy came home and said to his wife,
“You have to shop around,
I’ve seen a shop in Wigan,
Offering two suits for a pound.”
Next day his wife said to him,
“I’ve just been shopping in town,
And I’ve seen that bargain shop,
It’s the dry cleaners you clown.”
New Year

January is a horrible month,
The weather is always murky,
But I suppose it gives you time
To finish off the turkey.

February is the time for romance,
When the boyfriend proposes,
And suddenly florists everywhere
Double the price of roses.

March is for weddings
Aisle, alter, hymn.
Soon the bride is thinking
"I'll alter him."

April is the lambing season
A busy time for the farmer,
You can tell it's nearly summer
The rain is getting warmer.

May is the cricket season,
The sound of leather on willow
If you go to a match
Don't forget to take a pillow.

June, flaming June they call it,
The weather's supposed to be hot,
It may be hot in Portugal
But in Wigan it's flaming not.

July is for complaining,
Sometimes it rains a lot,
We complain when it's raining
And complain when it's not.

August is the time of year
For barbecues, of course,
And the couple who wed in March
Are thinking of a divorce.

September bowling season ends,
You put away the bowls and mat,
Then for no apparent reason
You throw things at the cat.

October all the clocks go back,
So it means we have dark nights
It's a signal to all the cyclists
To ride on pavements without lights.

November is the month
For fireworks they say,
How come that here in Wigan
They've been going off since May.

December it is Christmas time,
A time for joy and good will,
But believe me it's not much joy
If you have to pay the bill.

King Kong
Blackpool Zoo was having a bad season,
The number of visitors was low,
The manager said, “We need a new attraction,
Something that will steal the show.”
One of the staff said, “I have a good idea
That will bring the crowds along,
One of us can dress like a gorilla,
And you can call him King Kong.”
Well they dressed up one of the staff
And put him in a cage.
Soon all the visitors were flocking back,
King Kong was all the rage.
He would swing on the bars of the cage,
And the children would shout for more,
But one day he swung too far
And landed in the lion’s cage next door.
The Lion gave a mighty roar
As King Kong tried to climb back
King Kong shouted, “Help get me out.”
The Lion said, “Shut up or we’ll both get the sack.”
I went into a pub last night
And saw Paddy Murphy at t' bar
He said, "I've been trying to phone Interpol
But I've had no luck so far."
Just a few minutes later
Paddy decided to try again
Saying, "Excuse me, is that Interpol?"
A voice said, "You are through to Spain."
Paddy was getting frustrated
He began shouting down the phone,
"Excuse me is that Interpol?"
A voice said, "You are through to Cologne."
Paddy turned to me and said,
"I've never known anything like it in my life,
All I wanted from Interpol
Was a dozen roses for my wife."
Chinese Diet

When Syd Eccles finished work
He became a bit of a slouch,
All he did was watch the telly,
Suppin' cans of ale on t' couch.

Every time his wife complained
All he said was, "Oh, be quiet,"
And he really lost his temper
When she said, "You should go on a diet,"

One day he didn't feel to good,
Complaining of pains in his chest,
So he went to see the doctor,
Who sent him to the infirmary for a test.

They told him at the infirmary
That he should cut down on his booze,
And suggested he go on a diet,
Saying, "It's some weight you should lose."

When he got home he told his wife,
Who was sat down having a read,
She said, "It says here in t' Reporter,
 A Chinese diet is what you need."

He wrote off for the Chinese diet,
The forwarding address was Crewe,
It said, "Please send forty pounds
And we'll send the diet to you."

A few weeks later Syd realised
He'd fallen for the three card trick.
When the postman delivered a parcel,
Inside it was one chopstick.

Give Us A Push
A couple were asleep in bed
When there was a knock on the door.
The husband tried to ignore it
But the noise was louder than before.
He finally went and opened the door,
And was met by a drunk. “Gizza push,” he said.
The husband said, “Get lost. It’s half past three.”
Slamming the door he went back to bed.
“That wasn’t very nice” his wife said.
“You broke down once in the rain,
And knocked on a door to ask for a push
So we could drive home again.”
“I didn’t think you were so mean,
I thought you were a person who cares.”
The husband thought, “I’m not going to win,”
So he got up and went down stairs.
He opened the front door, went outside,
But he couldn’t see a thing.
He shouted, “Do you still want a push?”
The drunk said, “Yes I’m out here on the swing.”
Henry Tate

Once there was a professor
By the name of Henry Tate.
He was a bit of a show off,
And said everything he did was great.

One of his inventions
Was a navigational aid.
He was very proud of it, claiming
It was the finest ever made.

He said, “It works like a compass
You just hold it in your hand,
And its guaranteed to direct you
To any place in the land.”

Thousands came to buy one,
From miles and miles around.
But people started complaining,
Saying some places couldn’t be found.

Ramblers were reported missing
Motorists were sent the wrong way,
One driver going to Manchester
Ended up in Tiger Bay.
Everyone said it was a waste of money,
Two hundred pounds they cost,
The headlines in the newspapers said.
He who has a Tates is lost
Goose Green Joe

This is a story about Joe Watkins,
Who used to live in Goose Green.
He said he had one aim in life;
He wanted to speak to the Queen
He went for a weekend in London
and said to his wife Alice,
“I won’t be half an hour love;
I’m just nipping down to the Palace.’
When he reached the Palace gates,
there were hundreds gathered around.
Someone said they had seen the Queen
Walking the dogs in the Palace grounds.
As she walked towards the crowd
they stepped aside to let her walk through,
everyone was amazed when her Majesty
spoke to a tramp at the end of the queue.
She didn’t speak to anyone else,
much to Joe Watkins sorrow.
He said, “I know I’ll dress like a tramp
and come back again tomorrow.”
Next day Joe dressed like a tramp
and went back to see the Queen.
He had waited for half an hour,
when she finally appeared on the scene.
She walked right up to Joe,
The Goose Greener felt like a toff.
Then she whispered in his ear,
“I thought I told you to sod off.”

Six feet

Paddy came home from the pub early
And caught his wife unawares,
She was unfaithful behind his back
And she had her fancy man up the stairs.
Paddy got in bed beside them
And before he switched off the light,
He looked at the bottom of the bed
And said “Something isn’t right,”
His wife said “What’s the matter?
“What are you talking about?”
Paddy answered “There’s two of us
But there are six feet sticking out.”
She said “Paddy you must be drunk
Because I can only see four.”
“Get out of bed and count them,
That way you will be sure.”

Paddy said “That’s a good idea,”
And quickly jumped out of bed,
Then he began to count the feet,
“You’re right, there’s only four,” He said.

You could say I was a naughty boy
when I was going to school
because I drove the teachers mad
I was always playing the fool
When asked to write an essay on cricket
I put my hand up straight away
the teacher said “That was quick Hawkins,”
I said “Yes sir, rain stopped play.”
One teacher said “Name four animals from Africa,”
And I made everybody laugh,
when I wrote on my paper
three lions and a giraffe.
“What is a polygon Hawkins?”
Asked the maths teacher Mr. Sharrat,
I said “Oh that’s easy sir,
a polygon is a dead parrot.”
Then there was the time
I made our geography teacher irate
He said “Who knows were Iceland is?”
I said “I think it’s in Standishgate.”
I went to that new clinic last week
The one that’s opened in Frog Lane,
I’d twisted my back playing bowls
And I needed something to ease the pain.
The doctor said, “Take these tablets
Then you’ll be as right as rain,
I guarantee in a few days
You’ll be playing bowls again.”
Well I came out of that clinic
As happy as a little lark,
The next day I got my bowls out
And played in a match at Wigan Park.
But after I’d finished playing
My back was really sore,
I went home and told the wife
The pain was much worse than before,
That night I tried to phone the doctor
But got through to an acupuncturist instead,
I told him I was in a lot of pain,
He said, “Take two drawing pins and go to bed.”
Sixty Two

I was playing in a cup match last week
Against Abram Parish at the Bucks Head,
When all the cards were drawn
Someone shouted “Tha playing Fred,”

Well I shook hands with Fred
And just as we were starting to play,
 He said “Go easy on me David
Because I’m sixty two today,”

Well I must admit he was a bad player,
I think he only managed to score three,
I said to him “While you’re sixty two today
You can have a drink on me,”

In the pub his mates were buying him ale
And singing “Happy birthday to you,”
Fred could hardly stand up straight
Because he’d had quite a few,

As I was leaving I shouted to him,
“Congratulations I’ll see thee agen,”
He said “Yes I’m sixty two today,
Next week I’m two ty ten”


I once wrote a poem about Prince Philip
About the time he came to visit us,
And he became a little upset
Because nobody knew who he was.

Yes he walked all-round Wigan
And at the end of the day he finds,
The only man who said he knew him
Thowt he worked at Heinz.

When he got back and told Lizzie
She nearly fawd off throne.
He said “You can come next time,”
She said “No, you can go on your own.”

Philip said “Its not going to beat me,
I’m going to try again.”
So he went to Euston station
And caught the Wigan train.

I saw him in’t Swan and Railway,
He was stood near the bar with a gill,
I said “How do my names David,”
He said “Hello my names Phil,”

He said “I’m upset no one knows me,”
I said “Oh I know thee alreet,
Tha one ert Dingles aren’t tha,
I saw thee on Emmerdale last neet.”

End of Season

Septembers here once again

End of the bowling season

When I start shouting at my wife

For no apparent reason.

Yes with a heavy heart

I put away my bowls and mat,
Start watching Coronation Street

And throw things at the cat.

"I've had enough I'm leaving thee"

My angry missus said,
"Why don't you pack in bowls

And take up golf instead?"

"You don't understand," I said

"Bowling's in my blood,
And I get aggravated

If I can't send a wood."

"But I promise I will change my ways

And I won't shout at you no more,
So pack some bags for both of us

We're going on a tour."

"Where we going?" She mumbled

As she wiped away a tear,
I said "I think we'll go to Benidorm,

There's some cracking greens o'er theer."

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